It only takes a few coast-to-coast road trips to realize that most of the country is wide open spaces. As a kid I used to wonder why so many people (nearly 3/4 of a million now) live in Oklahoma City when you can drive just a few minutes in any direction and find yourself in the middle of nowhere. Ten minutes to my east are dozens of restaurants and businesses; ten minutes to my north you’ll find… cows, if you’re lucky.
In more populated areas, real estate becomes more valuable. A quick Google search says a person can expect to pay $10,000/month for a two bedroom apartment in New York City. Here in Oklahoma, $10,000/month will get you… a town? My daughter’s apartment is $900/month, and it probably has more parking than that one in NYC, although it’s admittedly much further from Times Square. It’s all about location.
My sleep apnea doctor scheduled an appointment for me last Saturday at 8 a.m. I have a love/hate relationship with my sleep apnea doctor — or more specifically, the medical system. I’ve owned a CPAP for years, which I absolutely love and depend on — no complaints there. But the CPAP needs supplies, like new masks and hoses and filters, and that costs money. And to keep getting the supplies I have to see my doctor twice a year, which is less about the money than it is the time and hassle. And every so often they make me take another sleep study, which is an even bigger hassle. And even though the CPAP is working great, I have to hop through all these hoops to keep it. Quit visiting the doctor and they eventually cut off your supplies. At that point, getting mroe supplies requires a visit to the doctor, who will immediately send you for another sleep study. (Ask me how I know this.)
I digress. I had an appointment early Saturday morning and my sleep doctor is located at this big hospital complex, and so I decided that instead of waking up early Saturday morning and driving down to the hospital for this appointment, it might be fun to drive down there Friday night, slum around the hospital for a bit, sleep in the parking lot, and then go to my appointment Saturday morning. Sometimes the plans make themselves.
I had to face a moral dilemma over the weekend, one you’ll hear me mention multiple times throughout the video. Unlike camping overnight at, say, Walmart, hospitals are a bit more serious. The cars in the parking lot belong to people visiting friends and family, patients inside. I would feel legitimately awful if the parking lot filled up and I were taking a spot away from someone who was there attempting to visit. My assumption was that on a Friday night after visiting hours, the parking lot would be mostly empty. As you will see in the video, I was wrong. The parking lot was nearly full. In fact, I had to do several laps just to find a spot my big lump of a van would fit in. To be clear, if I were visiting someone at the hospital I would have to qualms whatsoever about crashing in the parking lot. None. And if I were a full time vanlifer, I doubt I would care. In that case, the need for safe parking would win out. But I’m in neither of those situations. Driving to my appointment Saturday morning would have only been a slight inconvenience. The vast majority of people might even say that would be the “normal” thing to do! In the video I decided to buy myself some time by entering the hospital, eating at the cafeteria, and wandering around for a bit. I made a deal with myself that if the parking lot was still full at that point, I would leave and park somewhere else nearby. An hour later when I exited the hospital (we’re talking 9 p.m. here), the parking lot was just as full as it was before.
I had almost talked myself into leaving when I noticed a ramp leading to parking below. The ramp leads to ground-level parking. I took a peek and discovered that it was 95% empty. It was only then that I finally relaxed and the guilt went away. Despite how crowded the lot looks in my video, there was ample parking available one level down. And again to clarify, the guilt I had felt had nothing to do with the hospital itself; only with taking a spot from someone else.
I mentioned entering the hospital. Hospitals are big buildings full of people coming and going and I have long suspected that anyone looking remotely normal could hang out inside a hospital for a long period of time, and after making this video I believe it even more strongly. I spent some time in the cafeteria, some time in the restroom, and some time in one of the waiting rooms. Nobody looked at me, not even when I realized I hadn’t picked up a fork and ate a cup full of diced watermelon with a pair of chopsticks. If that didn’t raise suspicions, nothing will. The key is to look like you belong. I slipped out of my t-shirt and into a polo before going in. Despite walking past at least half a dozen police officers, nobody gave me a second look.
For me, “vanlife” (and specifically, urban stealth camping) is a rush. It’s a bit like riding a rollercoaster, in fact. The anxiety that comes from being afraid of getting caught is palpable. It’s crazy when you realize how close people are to you — that on the other side of a thin sheet of metal people are coming and going. You can hear them as they walk by, talking to one another or on their phones. Often, especially when my MaxxAir fan is open, I can hear every word. That’s when I hold me breath, hoping they haven’t heard me, too. But the reason I say it’s like a rollercoaster is that, for the most part, it isn’t really dangerous — it just feels dangerous. When we go upside-down on a rollercoaster it feels scary, like we’re going to fall out — and yet logically we know that rollercoasters aren’t designed to kill their passengers (it’s bad for repeat business, if nothing else). Every time I sleep in my van I’m afraid of “the knock,” but if and when it finally happens… I’ll apologize and move. No parking lot security guard is going to shoot me or tase me for stealth camping. There’s always that 1% chance that something could go terribly wrong (there are plenty of YouTube videos of people’s vans getting broken into while they’re sleeping inside) but for the most part, there’s really not that much out there that will hurt you.
With all that said, when security rolled up outside my van in this video, I was legitimately terrified. You’ll see.
There are enough places around town to park, sleep and camp that I probably won’t make the hospital one of my regular spots due to moral reasons, but if I were a full time vanlifer in need of a spot… hello Hotel Hospital!
I almost forgot — here are the tools that appear in this video. If you’re interested in one, these links don’t cost you a thing and Amazon sends me a buck or two. If you have questions about any of them, shoot me an email.
Ryobi Impact Driver (PSBID01): https://amzn.to/47gSwz7
Ryobi Impact Driver Kit: https://amzn.to/46rOK4N
Ryobi Drill (P215BN): https://amzn.to/3STuJB8
Ryobi compatible 6.2Ah Batteries: https://amzn.to/3Gdqzw6
Ryobi Wireless Rotary Tool (Dremel): https://amzn.to/3UHkHCg
10″ Flip Up Locking Shelf Bracket: https://amzn.to/4cj3uFT
12″ Piano Hinge (4 Pack): https://amzn.to/3AiqdEJ
Stainless Steel Hooks (8 Pack): https://amzn.to/4dFta0B